the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
