Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
