Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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