my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
