I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
