I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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