Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
is wine microwaveable?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
