my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
