Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
50% drunk capacity currently
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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