I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Jerry, you need to find god
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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