They should really pass out barf bags in church
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
