Umm I'm too high to move.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
