Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i love accidental penises.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
not ubering you a puppy
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
