It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
