I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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