never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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