so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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