oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
