I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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