I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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