i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
