i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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