dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
