Don't you send me to vm
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
