We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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