You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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