I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
