I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
