god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I faked an abortion last night.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
