did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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