I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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