I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
