I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
