This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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