My room smells like vodka and shame
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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