he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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