everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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