i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
