Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
