Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
