you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
