watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Randomize
