True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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