I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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