the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
