so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
