i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
