barbara walters just said penis...
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
