Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
