I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
